By Marge Fenelon

"We're moving," my friend told me over the phone. I couldn't believe it. She and her family had only lived a couple of years in a peaceful middle-class suburban neighborhood. It seemed like the perfect home.

"But, why?" I asked.

"Well, it's the neighbors. We've been having some problems with them."

On numerous occasions, the neighbor children had given her then 3- and 5-year-old daughters explicit sexual information, including a demonstration of a Barbie and Ken doll having sexual intercourse. But what she told me next utterly stunned me. A neighborhood playmate had taught her daughter how to undress and act out sexual conduct. Worse, her daughter passed the game on to her younger daughter.

"I'll never forget how I found out," my friend said. "I was talking on the phone and my daughter came to me and said that her friend wanted her to get naked again, but that she didn't want to."

Approaching the parents of these children had little effect. "They told me that's what the kids learn in school and that it's part of life," my friend said. "But that's not what I wanted for my children. I tried supervising their play, but that didn't do any good. We had adjoining yards and it was hard to keep track of them. They'd suddenly disappear and I'd find them somewhere else doing it again." Without the cooperation of the other parents to stop this behavior, moving was the only choice my friend and her husband felt they had left.

Most parents don't have experiences that dramatic, but all parents must face the question of how to educate their children about sex and when. Whether parents choose to provide their children with sexuality education themselves or send them to classes at school, there are some guidelines that should be followed. Too much information too soon could be damaging to the child's development, while waiting too long could put them at risk for premature sexual involvement.

The term sex education is a misnomer. In reality, there's more to it than telling kids about the "birds and the bees." Sexuality education begins at the moment of birth and continues into adulthood. It encompasses a wide range of aspects, from character development and moral formation to spiritual growth, and is most effective when done mainly by the parents. In essence, it's the revelation by the parent of the divine plan of creation to the child. This is done in different ways at different stages.

From birth to about 5 years of age, children pass through what is known in psychological jargon as the pre-latency stage. They experience nonsexual sensual pleasure in breast-feeding and later in the awareness of their own bodies. (Have you ever seen a 3-year-old gleefully run naked through the house after a bath?) There also could be some surfacing of aggressive behavior as kids discover who they are in relation to family members and playmates. During this time, parents must teach their children that what they do affects other people and that there are limits to acceptable behavior. This is the foundation for the respect they will feel for their future spouse.

During this stage, children may begin to wonder where they came from but don't need a detailed explanation. Parents might simply state that God plants a tiny egg in the mother's womb which, through His power, grows into the baby that is born about nine months later. If questioning persists, parents might explain that God unites a special seed from the father with an egg in the mother's womb, creating a baby and giving it a soul. When the baby is big enough, it is born through a special part of the mother.

Children spend the next six years in the latency stage, during which their sexual energies remain dormant and all of their energy is directed toward learning and exploring the world around them. Because of this, sex education should not be attempted during this time unless specific questions arise. Instead, parents should take this opportunity to teach their children by fostering their natural inclination toward compassion.

Children's consciences are developed during the latency stage. During this time, parents have the best chance of teaching their children obedience, self-discipline and virtue.

Sexual energies are reawakened  in the post-latency stage, which begins in about seventh grade and lasts until young adulthood. This is the time to discuss physiological changes and sexual impulses. They're ready to hear the "facts of life."

Phyllis Nickchen, founder of the Love Life Library, likes to use the acronym S.P.I.C.E.S., to describe the kind of well-rounded sexuality education that parents should give their children. "We should include all aspects of the person: social, physical, intellectual, conscience, emotional and spiritual. It should really be called character education, not sex ed, because there's so much more to it," she said.

In the ideal world, children would learn sexuality information primarily from their parents. But the reality is that they often hear things from other kids or are taught them in school before their parents have time to prepare. In a situation like that, the best thing is to remain calm and discuss the matter with them as simply as possible. Give them only the information they need to know based on their age and maturity level.

The best advice one mother of eight could give is for parents to keep the lines of communication with their children open at all times. She looks for times to talk with her kids when they'd be doing something together anyway, like chores or driving on errands.

"If you have a good relationship with your kids, they'll feel like they can come to you with anything. Then you'll have a good idea of where they're at and what they need to know."