Taming Tantrum Tactics

by Bill Dodds

One of my earliest memories is a temper tantrum that didn't work.  I went charging up the stairs screaming, "You don't love me!  You don't love me!  You don't love me!"  In the past, this had always been Mom's cue to rush forward, give me a big hug and assure me she loved me deeply.  This time, though, as I exited stage left -- having done an excellent job with my lines -- I heard Dad softly say, "Let him go."  What!

He was right, of course.  But still . . . Where did that leave me?  Alone on the second floor.  It was a powerful lesson.  In the core of my being I had learned two awful truths:

1.  The world does not revolve around me.

2.  A tantrum is like a tango.  If a second person doesn't join in the dance, the first just looks like an idiot.

I was about 5, at the outer edge of those toddler and preschool years when showing anger, outrage and disgust involves the entire body.   When screaming and flailing and tears -- oh, dear Lord, the tears, the tears, the tears -- take most performances right over the top.

Why do youngsters not just overreact but overact?  There are a lot of ways to describe a human body.  One is a bag of emotions.  We can have all kinds of feelings swirling around inside us at any given time.  We're tired.   We're hungry.  We're upset.  We're just plain honked off. 

Growing up isn't just learning how to walk and talk and tie our shoes; it's learning how to deal with how we feel.  Sometimes a temper tantrum is like the safety valve on a pressure cooker -- if it didn't shoot out steam once in a while, the whole contraption would blow up.  A tantrum can be simply letting off that steam -- a lot of energy, but nothing dangerous or damaging.

Unfortunately, a tantrum can also be an indication that a little one is -- to use a time-tested and very accurate description -- spoiled rotten.

More unfortunately, it's up to a parent to figure out why his or her little darling is flopping around on the floor.  And, most unfortunately, this tends to happen more in public than in private.  But just as parents learn to recognize the different cries of their infant ("She's tired."   "She's teething."  "She's got a safety pin poking her in the rump."), moms and dads need to differentiate between "I'm exhausted" and "I'm king of the world and you will obey me."

This is essential for a couple of reasons.  First,   a child who's overloaded really does need a break. (Just as an adult who's overloaded does.)  And, second, we humans are incredibly clever even when we're incredibly small.  If some action gives us what we want, we quickly learn to repeat that action until we get it again.

Let's take a hypothetical situation, one I'm sure you can't imagine happening with your own child, but one I seem to clearly recall taking place with my own. (We'll refer to the child as "he," although boys and girls are equally adept at tantrum tactics.)

You're both in the grocery store and your preschooler is flat on his back in the breakfast-cereal aisle beating his tiny fists and feet against the floor.  He's screaming so loud you're certain someone is going to call Child Protective Services, and once CPS arrives, it will declare you an unfit parent and make your little one a ward of the state.

So, What do you do?  Quickly, quickly, what do you do!   A crowd is gathering.  Adults are talking.  Children are pointing.   Somewhere, in the distance, a dog has started howling.

Now, theoretically -- and many parenting books are long on theory -- you could kneel down next to your child and softly ask, "What's wrong, honey?"

The problem with that approach is a child who is screaming isn't going to hear anything said tenderly.  You could scream louder than your child is screaming but ...

No, you need to pick your child up and take him out to the car.  And as you do, you need to decide if he's upset because he's very hungry and you foolishly thought you could make one more quick stop before heading home for lunch, or is he acting like one of those unfortunate souls in "The Blair Witch Project" because you just told him you aren't going to be buying him a box of Sugar-Coated-Honey-Smacked-Frosted Twinkle Flakes, with Marshmallows.

In the first case, the kid has a legitimate gripe.   You're supposed to take care of me.  He's really hungry, he's really tired and he's really had it right up to here.  In the second case, he's hoping his performance doesn't win him an Academy Award but a box of Sugar-Coated-Honey-Smacked-Frosted Twinkle Flakes, with Marshmallows -- the big box.

After he has calmed down in the car -- when the wailing has subsided to deep ratcheting gasps -- you have a couple of choices.

a) You can go home and try shopping later.

b) You can go back in the store, buy a box of crackers and hand him a few to tide him over until you can finish shopping, or

c)  You can tell him there will be no cereal bought today and the two of you are going to finish the shopping -- if it takes all afternoon.

As you no doubt have already noticed since you are a parent, parenting tends to take a lot of time and energy.  This wouldn't be so bad except for the fact that, since you are a parent, you don't have much time or energy.

But that award-winning performance in aisle 4 is -- to use a buzz phrase -- a learning opportunity.  Either you learn that this is the limit for your child at this age -- once he or she reaches that point, it's all over, and that's good to know -- or your child learns that when you say "no" you mean "no," so he or she might as well save his or her breath, and the tears. 

It's important to mention that these descriptions and suggestions are for children without special needs. Some children require professional help learning to handle their emotions and keep their tempers under control.  And their parents need professional assistance learning how to help these youngsters do that.

If that's the case in your household, it doesn't mean your child is bad or you're a poor parent.  What would be tragic is if those particular needs went unmet.

And one last point.  No discussion of tantrums would be complete without offering the view from more seasoned parents.  When your child is throwing a temper tantrum in public, it may seem that all veteran moms and dads within a two-mile radius are aware of what's going on.

They are.

But don't let that concern you.  We've all been there.   Believe me.  And we're rooting for you.