As a parent, it is your job to teach your child the difference between acceptable and unacceptable behavior.  But getting your child to behave the way you want is not as hard as you think.

Because learning takes times, especially for a young child, you may find that it takes several weeks of working on a behavior before you see a change.   Try not to get frustrated when you don't see the results of your efforts right away.

Discipline vs Punishment

Many parents think discipline and punishment are the same thing.  However, they are really quite different.  Discipline is a whole system of teaching based on a good relationship, praise, and instruction for the child on how to control his behavior.  Punishment is negative; an unpleasant consequence for doing or not doing something.  Punishment should only be a very small part of discipline.

Effective discipline should take place all the time, not just when children misbehave.  Children are more likely to change their behavior when they feel encouraged and valued, not shamed and humiliated.  When children feel good about themselves and cherish their relationship with their parents, they are more likely to listen and learn.

Discipline issues become more complex at about 18 months of age.  At this time, a child wants to know how much power he has and will test the limit of that power over and over again.   It is important for parents to decide - together - what those limits will be and stick to them.  Parents need to be very clear about what is acceptable behavior.   This will reduce the child's confusion and his need to test.  Setting consistent guidelines for children when they are young also will help establish important rules for the future.

Tips to Avoid Trouble

The first thing to remember is to avoid power struggles whenever possible.  Instead, address only those issues that truly are important to you.  The following tips may help:

• Offer choices whenever possible. By giving choices, you can set limits and still allow your child some independence.   For example, try saying, "Would you like to pick up your toys yourself, or should I help you?"

• Make a game out of good behavior.  Your child is more likely to do what you want if you make it fun.  For example, you might say, "Let's have a race and see who can put his coat on first."

• Plan ahead.   If you know that certain circumstances always cause trouble, such as a trip to the store, discuss with your child ahead of time what behavior is acceptable and what the consequences will be if he does not obey.

• Praise good behavior.  Whenever your child remembers to follow the rules, offer encouragement and praise about how well he did.   You do not need any elaborate system of rewards.  You can simply say, "Thank you for coming right away," and hug your child.

Tips to Make Discipline
More Effective

• Be aware of your child's abilities and limitations. Children develop at different rates and have different strengths and weaknesses.

• Think before you speak. Once you make a rule or promise, you will need to stick to it.  Be sure you are being realistic.

• Remember that children do what "works." If your child throws a temper tantrum in the grocery store and you bribe him to stop by giving him candy, he will probably throw another tantrum the next time you go.

• Work toward consistency.   No one is consistent all of the time.  But try to make sure that your goals, rules and approaches to discipline stay the same from day to day.

• Pay attention to your child's feelings.  If you can figure out why your child is misbehaving, you are one step closer to solving the problem. 

• Learn to see mistakes - including your own - as opportunities to learn.  If you do not handle a situation well the first time, don't despair.  Figure out what you could have done differently, and do it the next time.  If you feel you have made a real mistake in the heat of the moment, wait to cool down, apologize to your child, and explain how you will handle the situation in the future.

Setting An Example

Telling your child how to behave is an important part of discipline, but showing her how to behave is even more significant.  Children learn a lot about temper and self-control from watching their parents and other adults interact.  If they see adults relating in a positive way toward one another, they will learn that this is how others should be treated.  This is how children learn to act respectfully.

Even though your children's behavior and values seem to be on the right track, your children will still challenge you because it is in their nature and is a part of growing up.  Children are constantly learning what their limits are, and they need their parents to help them understand those limits.  By doing so, parents can help their children feel capable and loved, learn right from wrong, and develop good behavior and a positive approach toward life.